Creating a Life-Serving System Within Oneself

Marshall Rosenberg - Creating a Life-Serving System Within Oneself
Chooser and Educator vs. Learning from awareness and care

How do you talk to yourself, when you did sth you did not like?

00:14 / You have never done anything wrong, you never will.

Situations where needs were unfulfilled by our actions
01:08 / Example 1 – Nightly Music Session – Neighbors angry, were kept up all night
02:10 / Going for one need with awareness that another one will be unmet
02:33 / Example 2 – Marshall communicating with his kids
03:29 / Q: Are you saying you were kind of unconscious? No – two possibilities. We want to fulfill a need and only later become aware of another need, unfulfilled in the moment. Or we want to fulfill a need, while we are already aware of another need that is unfulfilled in the moment and do it anyway.

Every human action aims to fulfill needs, is done for good reason. No exception.
04:09 / We do everything for good reasons. Everything.
04:47 / The more we understand that, the more we forgive ourselves, the more we can mourn and truly learn and develop
05:20 / How are we going to create a life-serving systems outside of ourselves if we play the blame game within?

Empathy for the Chooser Exercise
05:34 / Empathy for the Chooser Exercise: “Did you do that in order to meet our need for ….?”

06:05 / Example 1: Chooser said: “So we don’t need to be realistic.”
07:00 / If we focus our attention on both needs, nature can put images in our mind of how to fulfill them both
07:25 / But when we go to jackal thinking, we get depressed.
07:45 / Depression is a state of cognitively arrested alternatives
08:07 / Life-serving way of caring about the need for hunger
08:47 / Life-alienating way of caring about hunger: “You are always hungry.”
09:10 / Life-alienating way of being a parent: “I’m a terrible parent.”

Connecting Two Needs
10:20 / Connecting two needs in an empathic way, no enemy images
11:53 / Couple having conflict for 39 years – hear mutual needs – then solve in 20 minutes

13:49 / Doesn’t want me to spend money is a strategy – habit of going to strategies in conflict
15:03 / Needs are universal – nobody in this room has a need that another person doesn’t have
15:23 / He’s just like his own father – they both have a depression mentality when it comes to money.
15:48 / We don’t make nice dead people when we’re in touch with needs.

16:10 / She is a wonderful wife and mother, but irresponsible when it comes to money.
16:51 / Making others ‘wrong’ in our thinking is at the root of violence on our planet.

17:00 / I lend them my giraffe ears, help them find the others need. After that it was hard for them to express is nakedly, after putting the other into an enemy image for 39 years! Had to pull them by the ears, for them to be able to express it.

17:54 / Once I got them to express the others need, it didn’t take 20 minutes to resolve the conflict.

Enemy images vs. connecting at the heart level
18:01 / Connecting at the heart level can resolve conflicts inside, interpersonal and between nations
18:22 / When societies teach their citizens to think in terms of enemy images when conflicts arise, the bombs are never far away.
18:49 / It looks like we are in worlds of scarcity, but in reality we live in a very abundant world.

Male-itis and Female-itis – Awareness of Cultural Patterns
19:09 / “I am disappointed that we did not spend more time together.” – Saying the pain without a present request sets of the symtoms of male-itis. Need to fix.
20:23 / “It is not good to express my need.” Virtuous women are self-less.
21:05 / Chooser and educator both had a need for connection in that situation – guessing.
21:40 / Girl friends have female-itis

An Exercise to Cultivate our Inner Conflict Resolution Culture
22:32 / Educator exercise – List most used forms of inner education – inner jackals
23:50 / Find a specific context or invent one, which might stimulate on of the jackals
24:07 / Hear this jackal with giraffe ears – develop this literacy more and more
24:57 / Educator, are you bringing to my attention that my need for X isn’t met? Body answers.

Liberating Long-Serving Jackals
25:32 / Some people hate themselves for 30 years with such jackals. Again and again – they keep at is. Hating themselves.
25:59 / Educator, chooser role play: “I stole some money.” vs. “Expropriating from the rich” (observation: took money)

26:47 / Let me talk to that educator … “Are you still feeling guilty, because of your need to be sensitive to the needs of others?”
27:38 / “Inner educator, is there more you want to hear about what you don’t like in that behaviour?” 28:24 / “Chooser, this was obviously the most wonderful thing to do at the moment then. What were your feelings and needs?” 29:26 / Anything else you want to say about that? Jackal was so alive, experienced a flash in the whole body. It had been there for 30 years.

Wondrous Beauty of the Life Process
31:32 / Why “the most wonderful” choice, rather than “necessary” choice?
31:58 / Hitler was engaged in this worderful process called life – same as birds, trees – it puts me in touch with the universe – every act we take is coming out of that energy
32:43 / Only we don’t send birds to school to educate them in jackal structure
34:11 / Every time you chose to meet a need, you want to serve life
34:53 / Beauty of the process – reaching out to life, in the best way they know to how to do it, at the moment that the need arises

Empathy for Hitler (Process of Life Trying to Fulfill Needs in Each Moment vs. Enemy Image Story)
35:15 / Putting giraffe ears to the words: “Do you know how the Germans were treated after WW-1?!”
35:46 / “Do you feel German people were mistreated?” – Never go to thinking, do not repeat.
36:01 / “Justice?” – Damn right!
36:25 / Empathy for “Jews allow their money interest to oppress the German people” (automony, safety …)
35:45 / “Want to revive the Germany economy?” – That is a strategy. Do follow the strategies, do not buy the “story”, follow the feelings and the needs
37:06 / Wanting to protect his people – people have been given a story about jews for 300 years
37:25 / Not liking the story, not liking the strategy – but needs shared – protecting the german people

The Biggest Gift Among Humans – Presence
38:21 / Some do not buy the enemy image story – encouraging – white rose resistance person
39:03 / Buying a different story – The Most Wonderful Game is Serving Life for Everybody

40:11 / Question: “Can you name one thing that another person did, that helps you to stay conscious at another level?”
41:12 / What did your father do, what kind of education did he provide? – The Gift was in his eyes.
42:33 / Gift Fati got … “No matter what experiences I came home with, my parents listened.”
43:26 / Having experienced the gift of presence from both ends, we don’t want to play another game.

Illustrating Mourning in Giraffe as Part of the NVC Restorative Justice Process
43:59 / ‘Mourning in giraffe’ is the ’empathy for the educator’
44:40 / Marshall illustrates mourning in giraffe with a restorative justice case – a man raped a woman

Step 1 – Empathy for the Victim
45:05 / Woman gets to express herself fully to this man, how his action has impacted her in the past and since then – and Marshall helps the man to give empathy to the woman.

Step 2 – Mourning in Giraffe – From Jackal Avoidance Strategies to the Sweet Pain of Mourning
45:45 / Then he asks the man: “How do you feel now, about having done that?”
46:12 / First avoidance reaction, typically: “I’m sorry.”
46:36 / I want them to feel sweet pain – even if it’s deep and dark and scary.
47:01 / Second avoidance reaction: “I’m dirt.” Hating oneself – too easy.
47:12 / Deep, dark, scary, sweet pain.
47:30 / When we get in touch with the depth of sadness of not meeting our own need to contribute to life – that’s giraffe mourning. That’s healing. Apologizing and self-hate is destructive.

Step 3 – Empathy for the Chooser
47:52 / Empathy for the chooser – Get to understand that this action was the most wonderful thing to do at the moment the action occured. – Step necessary to help that this will not happen again.
48:18 / Third step – “Go back to the time that you did the action, what needs you were trying to meet when you were doing that?”
48:31 / First avoidance reaction – Self-hate – I did it because I am dirt. – No, you haven’t done a wrong thing in your whole life. Judging it is too easy. – You’re saying it’s right. – Neither right nor wrong, just too easy. Did you know it was wrong before you did it? – Yes. – Did it help? How many times are you in here for this? – Three times …
49:01 / What needs were you trying to meet at the time? Usually there are several unmet needs alive. We help them to connect to those needs.

Step 4 – How can we do fulfill needs less costly and more fun in the future?
48:28 / Fourth step: What to do if the same situation comes up again, the same needs? What would be more fun and less costly?
49:42 / Had encouraging results when comparing this way of doing with a regular prison term

49:53 / Four steps of restorative justice – 1.Empathy for the victim – 2. Giraffe mourning/Empathy for the educator – 3. Empathy for the chooser – 4. More fun and less costly strategies for the future

When Step 3 happens, this is forgiveness – Step 1 and step 2 need to happen before
50:45 / When victim empathizes with chooser of perpetrator, that’s forgiveness. After step 1 and step 2 – giraffe mourning, the victim asks: “How could you do it!?”
51:36 / Person can come to the session with intention to kill the perpetrator, but after empathizing in step 3, they have so much energy to help the perpetrator to find ways to meet their needs in a different more fun way

52:00 / Recalling the four steps once more

Another opportunity to empathize with an educator jackal – You are not good enough.
52:59 / What did you say to yourself, when you didn’t like it? (educator to chooser) – “You’re not good enough.” – Now hear this with giraffe ears. Connect to feelings and needs, instead of judgment, in refering to that specific situation.
54:42 / Follow up with empathizing with chooser.

Stopping, noticing anger, guilt, depression, shame – empathizing with inner voices
54:56 / What helps not to get drawn into the jackal world of enjoying violence?
55:43 / I did every possible bad thing in my life and then empathized with all of that.
55:56 / I call time out when I get drawn into it

Blaming another for one’s actions / Denying responsibility for one’s actions
56:43 / A father who had sexually molested his daughter says: “You asked for it.”
57:20 / Empathy in the hall for rage: “I want to crush that … $%&!” Listening to the judgments.
58:13 / And then asking for needs behind the judgments – safety, protection, respect for human beings, consciousness, awareness for people not ever to attribute responsibility for their actions to other people – That statement threatened about five of my most basic needs.
59:11 / After time-out empathy I was able to express my fear and my unmet need for safety to this father and ask him for a reflection.
1:00:09 / Then I said to him: “What were your needs, at the time?”

About sweet pain and the flow of life
1:00:34 / Is there a way how to tell when mourning is complete? – Sweet pain feels good. Mourning is a celebration, really.
1:01:21 / More about the sweet pain of giraffe mourning

1:02:33 / Is there a way to reduce tension? Connect to life … feelings and needs. If anger, guilt, shame leads to tension, then listen needs in these inner messages

1:03:24 / How to get more in touch with that sweet pain? – By lots of practice getting in touch with needs. Don’t worry about sweet pain, worry about how to get through the sea of jackal thinking.

1:03:43 / Keep in mind – every thought that implies wrongness of other people is a tragic expression of unmet needs

1:04:33 / Educator seems to use jackal language…? Yes, but every time you empathize with the educator, you’re teaching it a new language

1:04:50 / Curious about how it looks past a certain stage of learning giraffe?
Get to the need before you get to the judgment – feel the flow of life.
One of my first songs … life’s sweet flow