This is first participant in the workshop to present her honest education attempt. I see many basic skills in Giraffe being trained here – both in honesty and empathy.
What does the person do, that you do not like?
Observation in Giraffe: “In the situation, she makes it clear to you that this is really for you, but she doesn’t say it to you, she says it to somebody else and she doesn’t look at you.”
When this happens she feels hurt (feeling), because she needs to be approached directly (need)
Then they work out the request: “Would you be willing in the future to talk directly to me, look at me
and tell me, straight to me, what’s going on between you and me?”
Receiving with empathy
From there Marshall goes to prepare for the next step in the dialogue. The colleague cannot hear the Giraffe communication and responds in Jackal. He coaches the participant to receive this response with empathy, putting the attention to the feelings and needs behind the words.
Time Codes
Working out giraffe honesty in four steps
- 00:00 – Educating a colleague at work
- 00:18 – Coaching on how this exercise is done
- 00:49 – First try: Education by diagnosis “I feel that you are very demanding.”
- 01:35 – Helping to translate the analysis/diagnosis into Giraffe
- 02:14 – First information – Observation – what does the person do?
- 04:41 – Second information – Feeling – how do you feel, when you see this?
- 04:57 – Third information – Need – Why are you feeling this, what is your value/need?
- 05:05 – These three pieces of information tell ‘how we are’ in Giraffe
- 06:03 – Fourth information – Request – What can the other do for us here and now?
- 06:27 – Positive action language
- 07:11 – Example – Couple misunderstanding about ‘understanding’ for 15 years
- 08:47 – What do you request of your colleague, in positive action language?
- 08:57 – Giraffe now saying ‘please’ in four steps – OFNR
Receiving a jackal reply to our giraffe honesty with empathy
- 09:25 – A response in Giraffe – unrealistic – nice to hear and to be aware of
- 09:58 – A response in Jackal – realistic – good training
- 10:24 – How to listen to any message in Giraffe
- 10:55 – First guess of a feeling – inaudible, but not a feeling
- 11:40 – Second guess of feeling – It’s a thought: “Nobody ever listens to me!”
- 12:13 – Third guess of a feeling – “frustration”
- 12:27 – Fourth guess of a feeling – “neglected” – Faux feelings
- 14:01 – More guesses – sad
- 14:17 – Not important to guess right, important that we hold it with respect and true curiosity
- 14:35 – Silent empathy works – benefits both sides
- 15:29 – Taking up the first guess – frustration – now guessing the need that causes the feeling
- 16:12 – First need guess – ‘Having sombody to listen’
Possible further development of the dialogue
- 16:26 – Empathy dialogue with these feelings and needs – new intense jackal response
- 18:18 – Roleplay with puppets – Empathy dance
- 18:57 – Suspicion (of manipulation) – Hearing it with empathy – perhaps silent empathy
- 20:30 – Closing the process with the participant
More from this workshop – see here.
Notes
tbc